Returning Home to Yourself After Losing Pieces Along the Way

The wound is where the light enters you.

- Rumi.

Here’s you. 

You stand there at the center, facing life’s turbulence with grounded defiance. With resilience and determination, you look back, and you find the parts of yourself that were left behind. 

In this moment, while grateful for what this journey has offered you, you may not recognize the person you once were. And you may wonder, “How do I find my way back to myself from here?”

A question of identity, loss and healing. As long as the ink stains the paper, chapters will be written. The days pass by, and we go through changes, transitions and experiences. Whether it’s parenthood, a career shift, entering adulthood or outgrowing who you once were, many find themselves in unfamiliar places that challenge identity and call for growth.

And in this beautiful process, comes undeniable, demanding grief.

In this blog, we will be acknowledging change. We will also start a heartfelt dialogue on internal harmony. 

Should Our Identity be Fixed?

Psychologists encourage us to view identity through a lens of flexibility. While we may have stable traits, life’s demands are ever-changing. In fact, there is supporting evidence that psychological flexibility plays a significant role in supporting and improving mental health. Psychological flexibility, in this sense, refers to the ability to adapt ourselves in the face of external and internal pressures without losing our inner coherence and self-compassion.

In life’s transitions, models such as those proposed by Erik Erikson highlight that identity is not a fixed destination, but an ongoing developmental process. As we experience life’s different phases, we repeatedly transition to be in line with our new roles and responsibilities. Periods of confusion or self-questioning, then, may seem like signs of failure. However, in reality, psychology supports that these are natural signals that the self is reorganizing to meet new demands.

What About the Parts that We Lose?

Perhaps what was mentioned has not been new to you. For many of us, we recognize that life changes, and so do we. However, what’s new is this deep sense of loss for the person you once were; a loss that’s difficult to feel, and almost impossible to articulate. 

This type of loss is soft, invisible and internal. It may even feel the loneliest. 

How can you describe grieving the parts of yourself you may not have known before? It’s as simple as saying, “I don’t recognize myself anymore. And this is scary.”

William Bridge calls this phase “The Neutral Zone”: the space between the past and the future, where we struggle with letting go of our old self before our new identity has fully taken shape. And yes, while it’s common and normal to feel confusion in these transitory moments, there may still be that ache in your heart that’s difficult to share. 

So, here’s this dedication for you. Here’s the piece that says, “We recognize your pain. And we’re here standing right with you in that neutral zone.” 

Where Does This Loss Come From?

Some may be questioning,

“If I choose to be where I am, where is this feeling of loss coming from?”

Others may have a similar question,
“If I’m grieving my past self this much, have I made a mistake in being where I am today?”

Together, let’s unpack this emotion of loss. Let’s give space to the internal pain that is trying to communicate. This is because, for many of us, the language we use can determine how we view our journey. Our ability to form a self-narrative can be both critical and graceful, a process that even research backs up.

Those who view their identity disruption as a “failure” or “setback” can fall into feelings of demotivation and helplessness. Thoughts of “I’m no one if I no longer recognize myself” create an internal obstacle that stops us from witnessing the potential of our growth. On the other hand, recognizing the necessity in this transition, and allowing ourselves to release outdated definitions of who we should be, can shed light onto the endless opportunities coming our way. 

How Can I Go Back Home?

Going back in its full sense of the word may not be an option for many of us. If you’re starting a new life abroad, or have become a new mother, you’re probably fulfilling a dream you once had. However, you may have wished that this new identity shift did not come with this cost.

Here’s the twist: You don’t have to surrender pieces of yourself. You can simply re-integrate them into this new chapter. 

Honor your past self without being defined by it. You did the best you could with the tools, knowledge and capacity you had at the time. The ways you adapted were intelligent responses to what life asked of you then. Gratitude for who you were can co-exist with the desire to heal into a new self.

Re-align with yourself. Wholeness is about re-discovering the different aspects of who you are. In transitions, new needs and desires start to surface. Listening to these parts of yourself– the playful, the serious, the romantic, the stressed– can all help you re-align with the new-formed identity in order to achieve inner peace and coherence.

Create a supportive system. Amidst major life transitions, we don’t only lose parts of ourselves along the way. We may also lose contact with individuals who we once felt safe with and understood. Supportive systems have been continuously proved to be significant for our well-being. Whether it’s a friend, family member or mental health professional, re-establish contact and allow yourself to be embraced. 

Practice self-compassion, patience and inner warmth. Emotional suppression remains an unhealthy coping skill. At the same time, it can be the reason keeping you stuck in a state of confusion and distress. When we suppress our grief, it finds a way to express itself whether it’s through our bodies, health or other symptoms. Meanwhile, the most beautiful orchids grow under the warmth of the sun and the gentle patience of time.

As a final note, to reach inner harmony, one must not only recognize the pieces necessary for survival, but should also give voice to the parts that reflect deeper needs, fears and longings that were once set aside to endure.