Finding Yourself Within Shared Roots

There will be no one to make you laugh and cry, dance and fight, love and forgive, like your very own family. What a curious way of being, isn’t it? We become attached to those who test our limits for dichotomies and paradoxes. 

We carry them with us. 

In the way our dads used to watch the news standing up.

Our aunts who rolled warak enab and shared gossip.

Even the friends who became siblings through mischievous nights and stifled laughter.

Yet, we grow up to learn that we are our own being. We exist within, but separate. And the question starts to simmer, “Who am I without my family? Who do I want to be if I can listen to my own voice?”

Wait. Here’s a better one,

“How do I let go without losing sight of the ones I love?”

Today, we will talk about families, love and loss. We will begin to understand the inner turmoil of choosing your own path despite the feelings of grief and disconnection.

Finding Your Identity

In attempts to understand social dynamics, psychologists try to understand how we form relationships and exist in them. 

For Arab communities, there is an increased emphasis on forming connections and prioritizing collective well-being over individual desires.

And maybe you’ve seen how wonderfully frustrating this can be. Positively, such societies are more likely to offer strong emotional support systems and a deep sense of belonging. Despite that, they’re also more likely to struggle with boundary-setting and individual autonomy.

Such social phenomena can emerge in subtle ways. Remember, for example, the time you were asked to introduce yourself. Some minds are quick to say “I’m a parent” or “an Arab.” Coined by Markus and Kitayama, the interdependent self construal concept refers to constricting the self-view to relationships and social contexts, making our connections a form of psychological identity, rather than an experience of value. 

And here’s where it becomes tricky. In this line of reasoning, if you challenge this connection, it may just feel like you’re challenging an internal element of your being.

Redefining Loyalty

With finding your own self, challenges also exist at another layer. In psychological terms,  Family Systems Theory suggests that a change in one individual may create tension in the family’s equilibrium. To counter this tension, a reaction will be formed.

Let’s say you find yourself in a new relationship that ultimately requires more of your time and presence. You may experience some subtle shifts like your mom suddenly inviting you more often, your dad questioning your priorities or becoming more distant, your siblings teasing you or demanding more attention.

Unconsciously, individuals who seek change may internalize this tension instead of perceiving it as a natural, temporary response for shifting dynamics. Additionally, your family’s reactions may start eliciting feelings of guilt and shame. 

Instead, I invite you to adhere to neither extremes of separation or infused identities. What you truly may be seeking is a form of differentiation, a concept referring to the ability to stay connected while maintaining autonomy. 

In this redefined loyalty, you’re complying to neither narratives. You’d actually be building conscious connection and experience “letting go” through changing internal beliefs and unlearning guilt. This shift is often quiet and invisible, yet full of emotional rollercoasters. 

Balancing Family With Personal Identity

What science also tells us is that identity is ever-so changing. It’s flexible and malleable. Its potential to transform is remarkable. However, we must adhere to this one condition.

We must give ourselves the permission to allow change. 

Starting simple, here are five small habits you can do to express yourself more deeply to your community, and more importantly, to yourself. 

Show Up and Be Yourself

Making an effort to be present in other people’s lives sends a message of solidarity and love. However, to be present in the pure sense of the word requires your authenticity and transparency. This is because there is no room for genuine connection if conformity is prioritized over self-acceptance. So, show up, but do so with your own voice, thoughts and feelings. This helps you translate the process of letting go, showing to those you love that being your own self is not a form of rejection, but a chance to experience a different kind of bonding. 

Set Boundaries to Protect Yourself and Others

If you’ve ever found yourself engaging in a dynamic that feels uncomfortable, this one is for you. Here is where I invite you to practice setting boundaries as a form of protection for yourself and others. The common misconception is that boundaries are an ultimatum when, in reality, they are simply the conditions you set to experience a safe form of love and connection. 

Instead of, “If you talk about this topic, then I will cut you off from my life.” 

Try using, “Talking about this topic makes me feel uncomfortable, and I want to feel respected and at ease when I talk with you.”

Do Your Own Thing

When there’s a crowd, it’s easy to comply with the common interest. As you start your personal journey, engage in new experiences that may feel unfamiliar. If your friends always prefer going to the beach, try out the mountains. If you’re used to weightlifting, experiment with mindful yoga. Small changes like these open up a range of experiences that were simply never familiar. And, who knows? You may find yourself loving something different. 

Revisit Your Values

Intentional exploration is necessary to find your internal values. When you make a decision or engage in a behavior, ask yourself if you'd still want this if no one at the Sunday table would ever find out. Surprisingly, you’ll find that many things you do may only be reflexes of what you’ve been taught, rather than what would resonate with you specifically. 

Create Space for Both

So many individuals find themselves stuck in their opposing feelings. “I want to travel, but I love my family.” This dichotomous thought process immediately creates tension, and leans towards a lose-lose battle. If we switch the narrative, we start existing more flexibly. “I want to make my own choices andI love my family.” While this may seem simple enough, it can also feel internally threatening. This is because this type of thinking invites the co-existence of liberation and grief. However, switching our language is one small step towards identity change, and with practice and support, you can find ease. 

A Final Note

I hope this blog gives you the permission to love deeply and still choose differently. Even if identities shift, it does so carrying with it remnants of all the ones we care for. Loyalty is allowing your loved ones the opportunity to see who you are truly becoming even if it’s unfamiliar. This process may be muddy and rocky, so make sure to reach out if you’re unsure. Let’s carry this weight together. 

If you’re interested in more, check out my other blogs on relationships, identity and emotional experiences.